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So there are no more words and all is ended
The timbrel is stilled, the clarion laid away
And love with streaming hair goes unattended
Back to the loneliness of yesterday.
(Joseph Auslander)
The time has come for me to put down my pen, say good night, and bid you farewell.

I’ve always felt that self-eviction is the best eviction. Sort of like quitting before your boss tells you you’re fired. Get out before it becomes embarrassingly obvious you should have left a long time ago. And for me, that’s now.

When I first heard about blogs, I thought they were quite possibly the worst thing to happen to mankind. It was as if suddenly millions of people who had nothing to say were going out of their way to let everyone know that they did, in fact, have nothing to say. What genius! But I’ve come to appreciate them for what they can be. They have their uses, and they can be fun. I still think, though, that there are too many people talking and fewer listening—and sometimes, probably more often than not, the people who are listening should be the ones talking, and vice versa.

As for me, I always wanted to believe that I had something important to say, some great well-spring of wisdom and knowledge, some constant source of God-breathed revelation. I wanted to believe that what I thought mattered, that what went on in my head was significant, that I could somehow, in some way, possibly convey an idea or a thought that was unique and new and meaningful.

But I can’t. I have nothing important to say. I’m not a ‘deep’ person. I have no more depth than is inherent to everyone because of Who created us. If anything, I seem to bask in my mediocrity, I relish it, like a pig loves his own filth. Probably not on purpose—after all, what human being wants to believe they’re not important, that they’re mediocre at best? But it's easy to play pretend and get caught up in the role, until you can't distinguish between who you are and what you want to be perceived as. And while that might sound like killing two birds with one stone, it really isn't. Pretending to be something (and even believing you are) is not the same as being that something. I expect that a person of deep thought, of character, of genuine substance doesn't dwell on whether he is or is not those things, nor whether anyone else thinks he is.

It’s naivety that made me think I was different. Because I’m not unique. I’m not special. I’m just a guy. I don’t doubt that God gives us each gifts, that He blesses us with what thoughts we have and what ideas we develop. And I don’t want to sound like I don’t recognize the beauty of what He’s made. But we have a tendency to blow our birthright as Children of God out of proportion, and turn it into our birthright as the Only and Most Important Child of God. I do that. A lot. I forget that God’s plans are bigger than my own, that God’s plans are bigger than me. I know He loves me, and I know that He cares for me as a person. But I also know that there is more to existence than that. There is more to reality than Kyle Francis Douglas Stewart.

I don’t doubt that there are people with legitimate ideas that need to be written and spoken about, things that I need to hear and understand and chew on. And I confess that I want to be one of those people, someone with something to say that is worth being said. Should that day come, I’ll welcome it with open arms. But it isn’t here yet. I think, right now, I need to be a listener. I need to be an ear, not a mouth.

I also realize that at this point in my life, what I say is pretty much meaningless. Not only am I just not articulate enough to say what I mean and mean what I say, but I’m not so sure that even if I wrote a beautiful, flawless essay on The Inner Workings of Kyle F. D. Stewart and His Dreams and His Plans and His Hopes and His Passions and His Reasons for Living, anyone would understand--or care to, for that matter. It’s not that I think people are insensitive or unloving, it’s just that I know people. And people, by and large, don’t really care. Of six billion people alive, why would one bother wondering how the other five billion, nine hundred and ninety-nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine people are living their lives? I want to be optimistic, to believe that people are generally more caring and kind than I give them credit for, that they deserve the benefit of the doubt, that they deserve trust and faith, but I suspect that such optimism will arrive the same day my ideas worthy of being shared are delivered. It’ll be a merry occasion, I’m sure.

This last week has been forcibly crammed with enough change, emotion, hurt and pain, up-and-down’s as I think I can handle for another four-to-six months (give or take a decade). And I realize, now more than ever, that it’s time for me to stop trying to figure things out, and just be. I need to stop trying to write the story before it’s even happened. I have no new narrative for you, no plot, no characters, no theme to speak of. I have nothing but words that are all too often empty and without meaning. And that needs to stop. Because what I’ve been doing just isn’t working. What story I thought I had when I first began this online journal has come to an abrupt end. The conclusion wasn’t the one I had intended, it wasn’t the one I had planned for. But it’s an end nonetheless, and when it comes, it comes. And I know from experience that you don’t argue with inevitability.

I think I’ve just come to realize that I can’t do here what I first intended to do. Sometimes private thoughts need to stay private. And I think I intended to spill too many of those than I realistically can. I used to keep a lot of things private. And then I opened up quite a bit and willingly shared what was happening in my head. But I think I’m at a point where I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to keep private things private, personal things personal. It doesn’t seem to do anyone any good to be unflinchingly honest all the time. The most you can hope for is misunderstanding, the worst, rejection. And you know, maybe it is worth it. Maybe the chance you take is what’s most important. But I’ve lost my nerve. I’ve lost the hope I had in people, the general optimism that they’d come through. I know that’s a problem. And maybe the last thing I need to be doing is shutting people out. But I can’t do anything else right now. Whether ‘now’ is today or this next week or a few months or a year, I don’t know. But when your heart is in a thousand pieces the last thing you should be doing is playing with knives. And words are knives. And I play too carelessly, too often. So maybe it’s time to retreat, learn the rules of the game again, and come back better prepared.

It’s hard to make heads of tails right now. You ever feel that? When life is completely upside down? It’s all very much.

I find myself with a great deal of hate in my heart. It’s sobering to know it’s there, to recognize it, to be honest with yourself about it. I tend to cover it up quite a bit, as a natural reaction. Someone once told me that I’m a ‘quiet rager’—meaning I get ridiculously angry, but I keep it inside and noiselessly seethe about what’s bothering me. I think I’m a quiet hater, too. And it eats me up. It gnaws at my insides. I haven’t always been like that, but I think at some point in my life I let myself become defensive and offended all at the same time—and let me tell you, the two don’t make for a pleasant person. I want to be more pleasant, to be the type of person someone would like to sit down and have a cup of coffee with, chat with, talk about life and love and the mysteries of the universe with. I’d like to be the sort of person that can sit down with a stranger and leave a few hours later having made a very dear friend. I’d also like to be the type of person who can be a friend no matter location, circumstance, personal sacrifice. And yet I feel about as far from being that person as a man without legs feels from running a marathon.

Is life fair? Absolutely not. So, do I have a right to complain? Absolutely not. It’s a strange experience, facing God and being angry at Him and telling Him what you think should be, and knowing all along that He knows more, sees more, controls more, and that what He allows or doesn’t allow is His responsibility, and that all of my complaining is but the sound of a baby crying.

I’m having a very hard time saying what I want to say right now. For some reason the words feel choppy and angry and incoherent and ridiculous. I feel like that little baby, wailing away in incomprehensible mumbo-jumbo, wanting someone to ‘get it’ but knowing at the same time that there is a massive communication barrier between what is understood and what is meant. Sigh. I guess that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to say all along.

This blog was meant to share a little bit of me, but it no longer does that. At least not in the way I hoped or wanted. And there is only one possible solution to that: end it. If the dog has rabies, kill it. If the leg is infected, chop it off. If the blog isn’t working, pull the plug.

I have too much hurt and anger and disappointment and cynicism in my heart right now to be able to share anything with anyone that could be possibly worth sharing. I think I am too disappointed in the world, in people, in life in general to be able to give anything productive or good or beautiful. And to do otherwise would be irresponsible of me.

Yet still I hope…
But I understood at last that God breaketh not all men's hearts alike...
(Richard Baxtor)
I tend to go through these great spans of time in my life where I don’t read my Bible, where I don’t talk to God. I think it’s because I carry around a lot of shame and guilt. And the more I feel those, the more I buy into the sales pitch from the Master Salesman, the less I feel like I have any right to talk to God. It’s especially ridiculous because I know (more so in my head than my heart, I suppose) that God is always there, that there is no condemnation, that He’s waiting for me to just stop trying to do it all myself, to stop crying like the baby I am and talk with Him. It’s almost comical how easy it is to put aside the most important part of who I am. How can I not forget to breathe, but I can forget to talk to the only Person who understands me, cares about me, loves me? I can’t forget to breathe, but I can forget why I breathe. Is it normal to be this stupid?

Anyway, about a week ago I started reading a bit of the Book of Job. I just sort of flipped open my Bible, and it’s what I saw first. And ironically enough, it was exactly what I was feeling and what I needed to know the most.
“So man wastes away like something rotten, like a garment eaten by moths. Man born of woman is of few days and full of trouble. He springs up like a flower and withers away; like a fleeting shadow, he does not endure…
If only you would hide me in the grave and conceal me till your anger has passed! If only you would set me a time and then remember me!...
You will call and I will answer you; you long for the creature your hands have made. Surely then you will count my steps but not keep track of my sin.”
(Job 13:28-14:2, 13, 15-17)
“Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him…”
(Job 13:15)
When I think of Job, I realize that I will probably never fully grasp the kind of torment he went through. But I think I always feel like I can relate to what he says because of what we do have in common: pain. There are different severities of pain, I don’t doubt. And on the scale of 1 to 100, the most I’ve probably ever had to deal with is a 1.3. But it’s pain nevertheless, regardless of its severity. And I am constantly aware that the point of pain is humility. I know that that isn’t the physical point—the physical point is to let you know there is a problem, that something is wrong, that you need to fix something. But I think that the spiritual point is humility. It screams, “You are not all-encompassing. You are not invincible. You are not Great, Wonderful, All-Powerful. You are frail, finite, temporary, small.” And there is greatness and wonder in that, I know. And I suppose that’s what humility is--accepting the great in the small, the wonder in the dull, the beauty in the misery, the infinity of the moment. I just feel like I am teetering between a world of anger and hate, and of complete brokenness, of humility, because I remember again what it’s like to be so small, to be alone, to know that I have no ally but God. It’s a scary place to be, because I know that which way I tip is dependent not on God, not on circumstances, not on other people, but on me, on what I choose.

I was recently introduced to a strangely profound Dr. Seuss book, called “Oh! The Places You Will Go,” that sort of sums up how I’m feeling (or how I want to be feeling). I was going to condense it down to a few parts that I liked most, but I realized that every little bit of it is relevant and meaningful and important. So here it is (and please, no one report me to the Copyright Police):
Oh! The Places You will Go!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

I appreciate all of you sticking with me for as long as you have. God knows, and I know, it hasn’t been easy. But I appreciate it. Probably more than you will ever know.

Please don’t think this was a spur of the moment decision, or somehow a knee-jerk reaction to circumstance. All you need to do is look at the amount of posts (or lack of) over the last few months as evidence of the end drawing nigh. I suppose it’s been like a house slowly filling with gas, and all it takes is that one spark to set the whole thing ablaze. So pull out your marshmallows and hot dogs and have a feast, comrades.

I expect that one day I may start up another one of these things. Maybe when I’ve grasped and learned to live a better personification of humility. Maybe when I feel like I have something worth sharing. Maybe when blogging becomes currency and without words I’ll starve. Maybe it’ll never matter. Or maybe tomorrow morning every blogger in the world will wake up, realize that blogging isn’t where it’s at anymore, and all will be silent, thus making everything I just said absolutely pointless. (Hey, anything’s possible.)

So, until then (and for those who’d care, I’ll let you know if/when it happens), thanks for roughing it out, amigos/amigas/muchachas. It was fun while it lasted.

Yet it is in this loneliness that the deepest activities begin. It is here that you discover act without motion, labor that is profound repose, vision in obscurity, and, beyond all desire, a fulfillment whose limits extend to infinity.
(Thomas Merton)

Epilogue of the Epilogue: Ironic, isn’t it, that I had so much to say about not having anything to say? I think my brain exists outside the realm of logic. And that isn't a good thing.

My Heart

A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains.
And should I stumble again, I'm caught in Your grace.
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades.
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame.

Your will above all else.
My purpose remains the art of losing myself in bringing You praise.
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades.
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame.

In my heart and my soul, Lord, I give You control.
Consume me from the inside out.
Lord, let justice and praise become my embrace
To love you from the inside out.

(From The Inside Out, Hillsong United)

This is a cool little gizmo. Gadget. Gidget. Thingee-magig. Powerful devil-magic. Whathaveyou.

It'll tell you how much of the world you've seen (and by seen, they don't mean places you've seen on TV, but places you have wtinessed with your own two eyes). Behold: Visited Countries.

Apparently I've only seen 2% of the world. That makes me sad. I would like to have seen at least 50% before I die. I am making that my new goal. I figure, if I hit Europe and Africa, I'll be in good shape.

It's hard to believe it's been so long since I've posted anything on here.
I have no excuses.
I am a bad man. A very bad man.

Before I write anything of importance (I use the word 'importance' very lightly, mind you) I have to mention my incredible good luck with the last few CD's I've bought. Usually what happens to me is that I buy a good CD, buy another that turns out to be not so hot, then get something pretty good, and so on. But the last few weeks I've managed to succeed in getting CD's that all turned out to be amazing. They're making me happy. So, in brief, here's what I got and why I like it.

P.O.D. -
I am an unabashed P.O.D. fan. And while their last CD didn't do a whole lot for me, I still had high hopes for their newest one. And I have to admit, I likes it a lot. Has some cool guest vocals (by the man, Matisyahu) and some of the songs remind me of stuff from
Brown and Elements of Southtown. Good times. Times that are Good.

Interpol -
They were one of those bands that had to grow on me. I bought
Turn Out the Bright Lights last summer and after listening to it a few (hundred) times, decided that I really liked them. This time, I decided I loved the CD right away. It's amazing. Sometimes I'll be walking down the road, and suddenly I'll burst into dance. I'm not sure if that has more to do with Interpol or my mild case of tourette's, but either way, it's a CD worthy of ownership.

Demon Hunter -
The Triptych
I actually bought this CD by accident. I was looking for something else, but couldn't find it, so I figured I'd give this one a shot. I liked their first CD, so I thought, heck, why not? But man-o-live--these guys know what they're doing. Seriously. It's a solid CD. Sure, their name might be a wee bit goofy, but it's like I always say: you can't judge a dog by the colour of his fur. Actually, I've never said that before in my life, but I think it works well here.

Mogwai -
Happy Songs for Happy People
I had a few of their songs on my computer for awhile, and finally decided to fork out the money for an actual CD. It was worth it. I've been told (by some quite passionate, perhaps psychotic, fans) that one of their older CD's,
Young Team, is their best. But nevertheless, I'm really liking this one. It's instrumental rock--if I can say that without being ruthlessly murdered in my sleep (because, you know, 'instrumental rock' doesn't sound nearly as cool as 'instrumental guitar-based pieces in the post-rock tradition', but it's shorter and therefore quicker to write--although having said all that, I've really just defeated myself). I'd never even heard of such a thing until a few years ago when I heard Unwed Sailor, and discovered a very fantastical type of music. It's all very moody and wonderful. Some other cool bands to check out if you'd be into "instrumental rock" would be Explosions In The Sky (they did the soundtrack for Friday Night Lights, and it's one of my all-time favourites) and Tarentel (who have a bunch of mp3's on their website that you can download).

Thrice -
Another great CD. These guys are impressive. And their lyrics are pretty incredible, considering they never call themselves Christians (though rumour has it both the lead singer and guitarist are). Take the song
Image of the Invisible, for example:
We're more than carbon and chemicals
We are the image of the invisible
Free will is ours and we can't let go
We are the image of the invisible
We can't allow this, the quiet cull
We are the image of the invisible
So we sing out this, our canticle
We are the image of the invisible

We all were lost now we are found
No one can stop us or slow us down
We are the named and we are known
We know that we'll never walk alone

We're more than static and dial tone
We are the image of the invisible
We're emblematic of the unknown
We are the image of the invisible
So raise the banner, bend back your bows
We are the image of the invisible
Remove the cancer, take back your souls
We are the image of the invisible
Or the words to Music Box:
We are not alone, we feel an unseen love
We are sons and heirs of grace
We are children of a light that never dims
A love that never dies
Keep your chin up child
And wipe the tears from your eye.

I went and saw V for Vendetta recently. In IMAX. (And there was much Ooooou-ing and Awww-ing among the people.) Before I mention the movie, I must admit I was impressed with the IMAX. Going into it, I doubted. I'll be honest with you. I was a doubter. A doubting Thomas, if you will. But I left the place a believer. I felt like I was a part of the movie. Literally. At one point, I could have sworn V looked into my eyes and said, "I see you Kyle. And I think you're special." If that's not worth dishing out a few extra dollars for, I don't know what is.

Well, you know, I had so much more I wanted to write about, and yet as I reach this point in my post, I think, "I musn't over do it." Really, that's what I thought. I even used the word "musn't" in my head.

Blogs are wonderful things. But they are also easy to forget about, unfortunately. I will do my best to keep posting. About anything, really. Nothing specific. Just about things. As they happen, as they come about, as I hear the word on the street.

I love you. All. I love all of you. Deeply. Passionately. Intimately.

Well, some more than others, of course.

My Movie

I've been busy the last little while making a film. I've had a very limited budget, and I'm not sure where to go with the script. Plus I've been forced to film in India. It's all very complicated.

But if anyone would like to take a look, this is what I have so far. It's called, "The Guys In The Field Who Are Bad and Also Good Looking".

Ok, I just have to post these. They're getting old, sure. But I keep reading new ones and I keep laughing and I keep thinking I need to share them with the world (and by world, I mean myself). So here we go.



Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris once put a deer in a head lock, commanding the deer to, "Say My Name!!" After only a few seconds and considerable amounts of pain, the deer replied, "CHUCK NORRIS!" Actually the deers response was fairly unintelligable, but still, pretty good for a deer.

Many people don't know this, but one of Chuck Norris' favorite pastimes is knitting sweaters, but when I say "knitting" I actually mean "roundhouse kicking", and when I say "sweaters" I actually mean babies.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a Monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your smurf, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris died twenty years ago; death was just too afraid to tell him.

In a court room, the baliff asked if Chuck would swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. He said no. Court proceeded.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin, which he built himself.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light on. Its not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can’t fly, but he does it anyway.

The answer to Pi is 3.14159....Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ chest hair has chest hair.


And Chuck Norris responds:


I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
You heard the man--check out his literary efforts. Or else you might have a roundhouse kick coming your way.

If any of you happen to be in New York City on January 22, be sure to take part in No Pants Day. It's guaranteed to be good times.
No Pants 2K6

All are invited to participate in the 5th Annual No Pants! Subway Ride. The event will take place at 3:00 PM on Sunday, January 22. Everything you need to know is on this page.


1) Willing to take pants off on subway
2) Able to keep a straight face about it


"...act as you normally would. You do not know any of the other pantless riders. If questioned, tell folks that you “forgot to wear pants” and yes you are “a little cold”. Insist that it is a coincidence that others also forgot their pants. Be nice and friendly and normal."

Also, to see a small clip of No Pants 2002 in action, click here. And for more past special events hosted by Improv Everywhere, click here.
(I love "The Amazing Hypnotist", myself.)

Further investigation into the phenomenon known as "The Third Nipple":
Cancer Hope Over Breast Gene Find

The discovery of a gene involved in breast development may help in the fight against cancer, scientists say.

The gene - named Scaramanga after the three-nippled James Bond villain in The Man With The Golden Gun - was found by an Institute of Cancer Research team.


When an embryo is developing, the formation of organs is tightly controlled by specific genes. This process controls the development of two breasts in humans, but sometimes something goes wrong and leads to
fewer, extra or misplaced breasts and nipples.

One in 18 people has an extra nipple, which can look like freckles or moles.
So. Interesting article. Now, what stood out to me first was the fact that third nipples can look like "freckles or moles". Hypothetically, then, quite a few of those "1 in 18" might not even realize they are a part of this mystical (and elite) team of Third Nipple Warrior Ninjas (rumour has it having extra nipples gives one super-human abilities, which are often exploited by mystical ninja gangs--see Real Ultimate Power for more information on this topic).

But what stood out to me after closer inspection was that apparently having a third nipple is the least of ones concern. In fact, some people have "fewer, extra or misplaced breasts and nipples". 'Misplaced breasts?' I will never be able to watch the Hunchback of Notre Dame again.

Apparently I've been tagged. I'm supposed to write five strange things I do and pass it on. Okee dokee. Let's see.

Five Strange Things I Do
1. I tie my shoelaces with two 'bunny ears'. I actually have no idea how to tie them any other way.
2. When I hang posters up, I use a tape measure to make sure they are spaced evenly.
3. I collect toys.
4. I sometimes burst into song, making up lyrics as I go. Other times I will repeat what other people are saying in song form.
5. I laugh at very inappropriate times, especially tense/stressful/shocking moments.

Now I get to 'tag' five other people. So I tag, well, Stop Five Records first of all, Steph, Zenon, Mark, and Sha.

The end.