Chuck Norris: The Facts
Published Friday, January 20, 2006 by the Stewart | E-mail this post
Ok, I just have to post these. They're getting old, sure. But I keep reading new ones and I keep laughing and I keep thinking I need to share them with the world (and by world, I mean myself). So here we go.
--- THEY CALL HIM CHUCK. CHUCK F$#%IN' NORRIS!
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris once put a deer in a head lock, commanding the deer to, "Say My Name!!" After only a few seconds and considerable amounts of pain, the deer replied, "CHUCK NORRIS!" Actually the deers response was fairly unintelligable, but still, pretty good for a deer.
Many people don't know this, but one of Chuck Norris' favorite pastimes is knitting sweaters, but when I say "knitting" I actually mean "roundhouse kicking", and when I say "sweaters" I actually mean babies.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a Monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your smurf, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris died twenty years ago; death was just too afraid to tell him.
In a court room, the baliff asked if Chuck would swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. He said no. Court proceeded.
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin, which he built himself.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light on. Its not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can’t fly, but he does it anyway.
The answer to Pi is 3.14159....Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ chest hair has chest hair.
And Chuck Norris responds:
IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET
I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
You heard the man--check out his literary efforts. Or else you might have a roundhouse kick coming your way.