Ever have those days where it is painfully hard to see anything beautiful in life? It's like everything is less wonderful -- all the colours are dull, the birds are silent, the giant, ancient trees are wilting. When it seems like the whole world is under some sort of evil sorcerer's spell? That day is my today. I feel very unmoved. Very unimpressed with everything. Very sad about life. It feels like being caught up in some kind of hamsters wheel -- like somebody thought it would be amusing to see me run around in circles, tempting me into thinking I was going somewhere only to realize I've been seeing the same thing over and over and over again. My reward? A drink of water and some wood chips. Hm. Ok, maybe the analogy only goes so far...

I don't know. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling tired. Tired of feeling like I'm trapped into repeating the same mistakes, the same stupid decisions, the same overwhelming emotions of living. I'd like, just once, to feel like I'm making headway, like I'm getting somewhere, like I'm finding something worth fighting for. In whatever. I don't even care anymore about specifics. Just give me something, God. Give me something to do. Give me something to strive for, work for, fight for, hope for, survive for, become a better person for.

That is my open heart for this day, July 7, 2005. Now I must sleep. I hope that your days are feeling much brighter.