Today was my "first day" of work. Spent half of the day reading safety manuals and watching hilariously cheesy safety videos (one of them had a host who looked and talked like the guy from Unsolved Mysteries -- it was awesome: "The day was April 8, 1977, the location Alabama." **insert chilling horror music**). Spent the other half trying to learn/memorize what I'm supposed to be doing. I hate first day(s). I hate that feeling of not knowing how to do anything, not understanding. I know it's only the first day, but it still feels blah.

I hate being an adult. Of course, I'm still a young guy -- not really much of an adult. And it isn't that there aren't perks. There are some great things about it. But the responsibility! Oh, what a wretched thing it is at times. It feels like a continuation of that "alone" feeling I mentioned in my last post -- it's the independence. It's very, very embarrassing, especially since I'm the guy who kept saying how much he longed for it. But the reality of it is very -- I don't want to say scary, but its the only word I can think of at the moment. In all truth, though, I'm not even completely independent. I'm living with my family, using their vehicle to get to and from work, eating their food, etc. There are just times where the reality that, yeah, this is my life and I have to take initiative can be a daunting thing. Two of my sisters are still in high school, and at times I almost wish I could be back there.

Sigh.

I think I'm whining. But I don't mean to. I'm just putting words to thoughts/feelings I had today.

I still feel very much like a kid. I suppose this is around the age where you've got to start growing up -- the transition from boy to man. But where is that line? When does one cross it? I keep going over this verse in my head:

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I
reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

(1 Corinthians 13:11)

I keep thinking, "What are my childish thoughts and what are the thoughts of a man?" I feel as if even asking the question puts me in the category of the child. Does one simply know? Or is it an undetected change, something that happens without conscious thought? I think it probably is. But what a scary trip it is sometimes. Maybe that is part of the process of becoming a man -- owning up to how I really feel.